I'm laying on the blue mat by the track where I just finished up a few exercises. I didn't mean to sit here so long after the Nike training app ab exercise but I used stretching as an excuse and read a bit of Miss Abbott and the Doctor on Webtoons and couldn't stop smiling at their ridiculous, beautiful love story. Then I stopped and listened for a bit to the basketball and volleyball playing on the court next to me and looked at my reflection on the door nearest the outside and saw my reflection show a big baby head and small body almost as if it were reflecting how I felt rather than how I actually looked. Like a big baby too scared to go through life and do what she needs to do because I'd rather escape into these beautiful stories and not live my own life. In a way, I'm scared of my own potential and not living up to my expectations because I'm way too lazy.
I'm thinking of the LoRs I have to get sent to the LSAC and the money I have to pay for the applications and the app forms themselves that I'm not really sure how to answer at times because my parents' education in Peru don't have an equivalent that I know of and writing the diversity statement is all just a bunch of gibberish and I'm thinking of the piles of files that I'm backed up in the office and how I got a second job so I could stop thinking about office work and get paid for my hours rather than a set salary that doesn't compensate for the actual hours I put in and go about mindlessly but now I might have to work even weekends to finished up a few projects for the office and I'm emotionally exhausted from working there. I'm thinking about the studying and writing and reading that I want to do but don't have time for. I'm thinking about the diet I should start so I can get even more serious about boxing and am thinking about the presents I want to get everyone with the money I don't have and of the lucky position I'm in and that I have no right to complain. I'm thinking about my SO and how I should feel so lucky but always feel horrible because I nitpick and he just calls me perfect rather than get mad at me like I do him.
I'm thinking about the letters I have to send and the calls I have to make and the unfinished work that is left with the attorney that's left the office. The extra hours I've put in but haven't received instructions for and not being able to remember anything. I'm thinking about my weight and my crooked eyes and rigid nose. How I want to be an attorney but can't find the words to say that I deserve the spot, or better yet the scholarship because shouldn't that go to someone less fortunate than myself? I don't know how or who or what to ask for help and I hired a career counselor thinking that would help but she had just my research to base her counseling in. And I stopped going to the chiropractor as often so I can afford law school applications but the money keeps on being used for other things and it's the holiday season. And it's all just stressful but at least I got a portion of it down.
I'm thinking of the LoRs I have to get sent to the LSAC and the money I have to pay for the applications and the app forms themselves that I'm not really sure how to answer at times because my parents' education in Peru don't have an equivalent that I know of and writing the diversity statement is all just a bunch of gibberish and I'm thinking of the piles of files that I'm backed up in the office and how I got a second job so I could stop thinking about office work and get paid for my hours rather than a set salary that doesn't compensate for the actual hours I put in and go about mindlessly but now I might have to work even weekends to finished up a few projects for the office and I'm emotionally exhausted from working there. I'm thinking about the studying and writing and reading that I want to do but don't have time for. I'm thinking about the diet I should start so I can get even more serious about boxing and am thinking about the presents I want to get everyone with the money I don't have and of the lucky position I'm in and that I have no right to complain. I'm thinking about my SO and how I should feel so lucky but always feel horrible because I nitpick and he just calls me perfect rather than get mad at me like I do him.
I'm thinking about the letters I have to send and the calls I have to make and the unfinished work that is left with the attorney that's left the office. The extra hours I've put in but haven't received instructions for and not being able to remember anything. I'm thinking about my weight and my crooked eyes and rigid nose. How I want to be an attorney but can't find the words to say that I deserve the spot, or better yet the scholarship because shouldn't that go to someone less fortunate than myself? I don't know how or who or what to ask for help and I hired a career counselor thinking that would help but she had just my research to base her counseling in. And I stopped going to the chiropractor as often so I can afford law school applications but the money keeps on being used for other things and it's the holiday season. And it's all just stressful but at least I got a portion of it down.
